“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
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That took me a moment.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.