Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
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[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
new record!