ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
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How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
the noise i just made
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.