I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
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My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
😬
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.