Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
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I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.