Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
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[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Noah was an idiot.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss