I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
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i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
*gets down on one knee*
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”