Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
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Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *