hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
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The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
relationship goals
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
The pen is writier than the sword.
“what that mouth do?” complain
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
no regrets
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”