From my Mom
You Might Also Like
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
the clam before the storm
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
yea so i messed up lol
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.