Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
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*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Gemma Correll
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.