“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
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Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound