[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
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911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
LOL
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.