Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
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Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
This one’s “Alex”.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….