I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
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Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Meanwhile in Canada…
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
lmao
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.