It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
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me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.