“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
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Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
no one likes gloating
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.