ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
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A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
one last job
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person