[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
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(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I think this should do it.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.