Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
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My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”