Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
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I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Every. Damn. Time.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.