I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
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My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
This is my pinned tweet
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien