My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
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I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet