Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
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A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT