If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
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A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”