My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
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one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
See..?
.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.