I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
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[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
This guy gets it.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
What do you hear?
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.