*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
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*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?