If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
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I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Good news
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.