Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
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me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Just parrot things
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720