[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
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*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t