ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
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I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.