Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
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am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
ibopfufen
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.