God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
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I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
is this meant to deter me
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.