How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
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Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
#damn
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
If you know, you know
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?