People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
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This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
The two types of wives
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Previously On Persistence 😎
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
no refunds
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?