I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
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This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I’m literally crying
Every work call, he judges.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14