Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
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Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*