If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
You Might Also Like
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
I feel this so hard
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone: