[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
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I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
two people or more is called a problem
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
This fish is cracking me up
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.