The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
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I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”