I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
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Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Every. Damn. Time.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what