How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
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Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
#milo
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer