No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
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I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.