My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
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I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Yes my dude