[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
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if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer