shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
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Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
How wrong was this guy?
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
oh no, steve’s working tonight
6. me as a lawyer
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Wasn’t this a cartoon.