spicy snake
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I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.