[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
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I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed