One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
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Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
💯😂
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.